The fifth meeting

“Mam, are you in there? They are waiting for you outside.” “Yes, I am in here. Just give me a couple of more minutes. Be there in a second!” she replied loudly through the shut doors of restroom at a conference centre.

This was her fifth meeting for the day and she was in the restroom to splash some cold water on her face to ward off the day’s tiredness. She applied a little mineral powder for her face, some mauve blush for her cheek bones, a little kohl for her eyes, and a smoothening lip balm for the suppleness of her lips. She adjusted her dress, gave her hair a touch and she was ready.

She gave herself one last critical look in the full length mirror and walked out of that restroom. Her face glowed as if she had been waiting for this meeting since a forever. Not a trace of tiredness, not a hint of caffeine which sustained her on these long days.

After the day was finally done and she came home after midnight; she took off her shoes, gave her toes a little wriggle, tied up her hair, took a long hot water shower, changed in her pjs, made herself a peanut-butter sandwich and put on the playlist that she played every night. Across from her kitchen table, where she sat cross-legged and ate her peanut-butter sandwich like a kid, hung a tapestry which gave her energy every night and every morning to keep going on. They were the words she believed in all her life –

You deserve better things in life, when you are worth deserving them.

And so she lived every meeting and every day, as if they were worthy of her and she was worthy of them. And a little make-up now and then, always helped her. 

The wooden bench

She felt her fingers rubbing against the rough surface as she tried to hold the wooden bench tightly almost expecting the wooden bench to hold her fingers with the same tightness. In the distance she saw a couple walking hand in hand. The hands, she thought. The interlocked fingers, she saw.  Almost as a reflex, she saw her fingers tightening against the wooden bench again. 

It was this urge to be able to hold “that” someone’s hand, which enabled her to write to “that” someone her first letter. It did not have a name. It did not have a signature. It was not written elegantly or on some nice stationary. It did not have a send-to address. It did not even have a return-to address. It only had her fragrance as she breathed on it while writing it. It only had her touch as her hand brushed against the paper. It only had her imprint as she kissed it sealed. 

It simply read:

To my dearest,

I don’t know your name yet and I don’t know when will we meet. But I do know that somewhere even you are tightening your fingers on a wooden bench, in a hope that we hold each other’s hands soon. 

I miss you more than you may know,

I love you.

An affair in the air

She entered the economy class area of the airplane with a pink bag-pack around her shoulders and a red trolley-bag in her hands. She looked at the air-steward with a deliberate shyness in her eyes and a sophisticatedly overwhelmed look on her face. She looked around the airplane to locate her seat and resting her quivering eyes when she spotted her seat along the 3^rd row. Her eyes then darted towards the over-head bins to place her red trolley-bag. She tried to lift it, but dropped the bag a little with a muffled “uh.”

The air-steward came right then to her, lifted her bag to the over-head bin, while saying to her, “Your bag is quite heavy mam.” She replied with half a small smile and a deliberate softness in her voice, “I know. I am so sorry that you had to lift that.” She then sat with ease on her newly “empty” first class seat as the air-steward made her comfortable with a glass of juice and candies to receive that half a small smile again.

As the plane took off, she finally sat back and smiled in her nonchalant manner to the evening sky through the window. She was a girl, and a feminist. And she knew that.

East meets the Wesh*t!! :P

So finally a blog after a long time and after I was on a “blogging spree”.. lol

But I am back home in India for the summer break and it feels great to be back- back to the home-cooked meals, back to the crowded streets, back to the dusty evenings, back to the lazy couch and back to the spas!! Lol

But after I arrived here, I heard people asking me questions which at one instance I wish to laugh at, but after having another look at the question, I tend to ponder at the stereotypical norm that exists behind asking such questions.

Stereotypes are generally considered to represent a set of shared beliefs about a group. Stereotypes are defined as “qualities perceived to be associated with particular groups or categories of people” (Schneider, 2004, pg. 24).

Listed below are few of such questions that I had* to answer upon my arrival in India:

a.)    You came back from US?

No. The girl standing before you exists only in silhouette.

( I mean I know you are asking it out of care* but please, don’t)

b.)    Your skin tone is just the same. You didn’t become fair?!

I am so sorry that you still find me brown! I will try* that my kids aren’t. K? (Lol)

c.)     What do you study there?

Liberal arts.

Oh Oh. Pretty fascinating huh?

Yeah

(after a few seconds..)

Umm, what does that mean?

K

d.)    So what degree will you get?

B.A.

e.)    What? You went to US just to get a B.A.? That you can also get in India.
      Yes. I went to US to receive a B.A. Apprently, my parents didn't want me anywhere near them where I could come home in less than 36 hours (by flight) and hence, decided to deport me to US.

f.)     What?? You want to study psychology? So you will be treating insane patients, right?

Yes. I wish to study psychology. And no, I won’t be treating insane patients (except, maybe YOU!)

g.)    Now I will have to behave properly while talking to you, right? You will be able to read me!
      Dudeeeeeeeeeeeee.. cummon!! (As such they haven't yet taught us how to interpret a brain like yours.. )

h.)    Oh, btw, now that you study psychology, tell me what am I thinking right now!!

You can act normal while talking with me. I am not a psychic reader!

i.)      Now you must be finding India to be very boring, right?

You bet! You see, this is my first trip to India. I wasn't born here; I didn't grow up here; I don't have Indian best friends; I don't even hold an Indian passport; and to top that I have apparently been living in US for the past 18 years. Offcourse I find India boring.
DUH :\

j.)      You must be loving America.

(This somehow is not a question but a statement.)

 

k.)    How many years before you finish studying in US?

3 more years till I finish my bachelor degree.

Oh, then you aren’t coming back to India for sure. You will love staying there.

(This also somehow happens to be a statement! )

l.)      Can you still eat spicy food?

Yes I can. I do not have to take Pepto-Bismol even when I eat the road-side pani-puri. GET IT?

m.)  You still haven’t caught the American accent. (Why so?!)

Oh, I haven't? I wonder how I survived in US with my Indian* accent!! :O  

Alright folks, I do not intend to hurt your feelings if you have been one of these people who asked me or were about to ask me these questions. But just that, please understand that it is important to get away from the stereotypical norms- that people become fair when they arrive from US; that everyone* starts loving US and doesn’t want to come back; that after just one year you appetite for Indian food decreases because of the oil and spices; that getting a B.A. from US is not worthy; that everyone* accepts the American accent.

With stereotypically desi love :D

Nupur

P.S. I don’t mind coming back home for every break (if my dad agrees to pay for the ticket i.e.) even if that means that I have to face each of these questions and probably more of these every time that I am back home. I am pretty sure that each one of you would agree that home is where the heart is J <3

It is a good thing to think sometimes, you know! :D

Have you ever had a friend or someone you know do something utter stupid which makes you question, “What a numskull he/she is! Does he/she even realize that humans were born with an organ named Brain?” There was once a man, who went to a liquor store, pointed the gun at the clerk and demanded all the money. He then asked for a bottle of whiskey. When the clerk refused to give the bottle of whiskey saying that the man was presumably a minor, the robber showed his driver’s license to the clerk as a proof that he was an adult. Offcourse the robber was arrested after two hours because the clerk called the police and gave the robber’s address and name that he got from the driver’s license.  A stupid fellow the robber was, right?

Psychologists call this kind of a behavior when people seem to forget to use their brains or use them utterly less, as a state of cognitive miser. Just as a miser is reluctant to use money even for his/her own good, a cognitive miser is reluctant to do much extra thinking (Fiske & Taylor, 1984, 1991).

Though humans’ capacity to think is greater than most other animals, it isn’t laziness always that makes it hard for people to give extra thought to a problem. Thinking takes effort. There is ample evidence to suggest that when thinking is already preoccupied, people tend to take more shortcuts to reduce the further need for thought ( Gilbert, Pelham, & Krull, 1988). But there are always examples of people who think at great length about things that are fascinating to them, like Albert Einstein who published 258 articles during his lifetime and changed the way we perceive science today. I love Daniel Radcliffe and have read and given ample thought to all the Harry Potter books.. lol

But as the theory of the duplex mind suggests, not all the thinking is equally difficult. Since automatic thinking is less strenuous than conscious thinking, people tend to conserve effort by relying on automatic modes of thought whenever they can. And though the automatic mind can give rough estimates and close to correct answers, it is necessary to employ conscious thinking in order to fully understand the problem and solve it logically.

So folks, the next time you meet a numskull and think of him/her as a new human species devoid of brain, please don’t degrade them by saying thus. They just need to get out of their cognitive miser mode and start using their brains a little more :D  

Still thinking (I guess ;) )

Nupur

It is your OWN fault!

Many times we hear people saying, “Oh, it was her own fault that she deserved such a pitiful state of affairs”, or “she deserves what she got” or “She should have known better than to have got herself in this situation in the first place”. People who say these things hold the victim accountable for whatever that happens (mainly the bad things that happen) in the victim’s life, even when it isn’t the victim’s fault!

Psychologists refer this phenomenon as Belief in a Just World (Furnham, 2003; Lerner & Miller, 1978; Lerner & Simmons, 1966). Belief in a Just World refers to the assumption that life is essentially fair and that people generally get what they deserve and deserve what they get. People believing in such a belief tend to blame the rape victims for their outcome, tend to blame the sick people for not taking care in the first place and tend to think that poor people are lazy and hence they are poor. They strongly and almost adherently believe that if you are good, no bad things will happen to you.

People who believe that the world is just will help others in need only when they feel that the helper deserves their aid (Zuckerman, 1975). These people are not helpful towards those victims who they believe are responsible for their own outcomes (which is most of the times, for the just world believers always seem to think that the victim is to be blamed). However, one positive side of withholding such a belief is that sometimes the helper tries to help others for he/she wishes to have good outcomes after helping others. Hence, this results in kind of a superstitious belief that when you perform good or helpful acts, you can expect that you will be rewarded later.

One study aimed at indicating this superstitious helping by students. Students at one college were asked to volunteer to do a good deed, such as serving as a reader for blind students to doing extra psychology experiments (Zukerman, 1975). During the routine part of the semester, volunteer participation was low and it didn’t matter whther the student had high or low belief in the just world hypothesis. But if this volunteer action was provided during the exam time, more students were willing to participate. These students believed at some level that their good deeds would be rewarded as a better luck and a better graded on exam. I performed such an act of believing in the just world hypothesis during the final match of the Cricket World Cup, 2011. India and Sri Lanka were playing to become the cricket world champions (and btw, cricket is a religion in India :D ). At one point, it seemed like India would lose and I made a pact with Lord, that if He allows India to win, I will do a week long volunteer service at the Rape Crisis Centre (Stupid deal right? I mean I should have had more faith in the Men in Blue that they would bring the cup home! ). I believed that if I do something good, something good will happen to me. And see, the Indian Cricket Team won the World Cup (the BCCI should sooo thank me in helping to bring the Cup home after the 1983 win..lol)

So folks, the victims are already in a state of depression thinking over the sorrowness that surrounds their life. Please don’t aggravate their feeling of sadness and helplessness by blaming them for their own outcomes. Many times people aren’t in control over the results of the events that happen in their lives and it is best that we support them who are in need of help, irrespective of whether we believe that they are responsible for their sorry state of affairs or not. Let’s spread a little more tolerance and love in the world J

Still believing,

Nupur

Aaaarrghhhh!! Ohkay, it will be kk.. aaarghhhh.. No, I should be in control, I am going to be fine!

How many times have you heard yourself repeat the title over and over again when something bad happened to you? Plenty, right? At least I have used this pretty recently. I had a test on Monday due at 11 pm. I thought that the test was due on Monday at 11 pm of the coming week. I got to know this at 5:30 pm the day that the test was due. I double checked then to make sure that the news wasn’t correct when in fact I should have done this earlier to make sure that I had the correct test date in mind. I freaked out (obviously!) I hadn’t studied as much as I had thought I should (obviously again, who studies a week before the test is apparently due?!) but I had to give the test. All the way back to home from the classes, I told myself that I will be fine and will do great on the test (false belief, I know..lol) but it helped me keep my calm, study for a couple of hours and give the test.

So how do psychologists explain the term “coping”? According to them, coping is the general term that people use to deal with trauma and go back to functioning effectively in life. People have different strategies which they use to cope with situations that turn out to be bad. And coping with the disturbed emotional state of affairs is important to be able to deal with reality in a coherent manner. Sometimes when someone’s house is robbed or a wallet is stolen, people aren’t as much affected by the financial loss incurred as much as they are affected by their dissonance in the world beliefs. Ronnie Janoff-Bulman (1992) calls such beliefs, assumptive worlds- the view that people live in social worlds based on certain beliefs (assumptions) about reality.

According to Janoff-Bulman, assumptive worlds theory consists of three kinds of assumptions that people live with:

1.)    The world is benevolent: people are good, surroundings are good, good things will happen to me.

2.)    The world is fair and just: the world is fair and if you treat other people fairly, they will treat you in the same manner.

3.)    I am a good person: I am someone of value and therefore deserve to have good things happen to me.

When something bad happens, like your wallet is stolen or like me if you mistake the date of the test, these beliefs are disrupted. And in order to ensure effective coping, one tries to figure out how to explain the misfortune while still believing in the assumptions. One tries to attribute the misfortune to oneself (Bulman and Wortman, 1977). This can be a pretty effective technique if there is a clear distinction made between blaming oneself for actions as opposed to blaming oneself for being a bad person. When I mistook the test-date, I attributed the mistake to myself saying that if I take proper care the next time, this won’t happen again, instead of saying that I am bad (btw, I know that I am good.. most of the times..lol) and thus only bad things should happen to me and that world is no more a good place to live in!

So folks, bad things happen, misfortunes occur and our hearts are broken sometimes, but the world isn’t all that bad you know?! It has some amazing people and things worth living for <3. Just taking few corrective measures, can make us live happily with those people and things J

Still believing in the world around me,  

Nupur